100 things

1. I tried to come up with 100 things my friends wouldn’t know about me, but I’m pretty sure I’ve run through everything already. Forty billion times.
2. I often feel I should warn my loved ones.
3. My two vices are coffee and wine.
4. Okay, there are several more.
5. I could eat cheese and crackers for the rest of my life.
6. Of course, this imaginary, infinite block of cheese must be fancy and cost slightly more than most people would pay for cheese.
7. I believe you get what you pay for when it comes to food and winter coats.
8. I’m guilty of enjoying beverages from Starbucks, including seasonal specials.
9. The devil and angel on my shoulders spend most of their time wrestling between writing and eating snacks in front of the TV. I’m never sure whose side I’m on.
10. I think about death more than I should. I’ve never experienced loss in my family, but recognize it as inevitable. And overwhelming.
11. My cat, Maevis, can’t stop making biscuits. She could start her own bread company and make millions.
12. My imagination is slightly overactive.
13. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships.
14. I have a fairy tale complex. I’d like to be one of the lucky ones and fall in love with someone who wants to chase me long after I’ve been caught.
15. My mother is the vice president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I don’t know who the president is.
16. Courtney and I once thought about making her a certificate for Mother’s Day.
17. Courtney and I will do almost anything to make each other laugh.
18. Had my mother decided not to have another child, I would be a completely different person.
19. I dance. A lot.
20. I own all six volumes of Disney’s greatest hits, which I purchased while working at a nursery in Brentwood, Tennessee.
21. That nursery went out of business, along with Opryland Themepark (my first job), and The Cooker Bar and Grille (my worst job).
22. I was in love with my job at Opryland for two years. One summer, I worked 50 hours each week as the youngest crew leader on staff.
23. I used to leave the other employees encouraging notes and smiley faces.
24. My hair was crazy long and I always wore ribbons around my ponytail.
25. I had braces, even though my teeth were almost perfect.
26. My mother spends money like it’s going out of style.
27. While working at the Cooker, I spent several evenings crying in the bathtub.
28. I think I drank a whole bottle of Boone’s Farm after one shift. Yucky.
29. I’m quite clumsy (I just spilled water on my keyboard). And quick to say the wrong thing to perfect strangers.
30. But it’s only because I’m nervous and have little faith in my social abilities.
31. My default is set to negative.
32. Only recently have I decided I’d like to be a positive person with high self-esteem.
33. God, it’s hard. In order to turn the tide, I have to employ my obsessive nature, which I’ve always viewed as a negative force. Do the math.
34. I often refer to God as an impish being. Lindsey revealed this belief as part of an actual sect of religion, but I can’t remember what it’s called.
35. Lindsey is my dearest friend.
36. I’m very proud of the people I’ve chosen to love.
37. I worry about being a good friend.
38. Working at Sidelines, the student newspaper at MTSU, was a pivotal experience.
39. I pine for those days at least once every week. We were always laughing.
40. My career aspirations include writing at least one publishable novel and teaching linguistics at a university.
41. I’ve only taken one linguistics course, but I found it fascinating and challenging to explore how we learn language. The subject encompasses practical and social issues and blows me away every time I read about it.
42. I have no idea where I’ll have to go to get a Ph.D. in linguistics.
43. Still, I don’t have to worry about that just yet. That’s why I have a five-year plan.
44. My five-year plan goes as follows: First, I’m going to finish my thesis and hang my second degree on the wall. Next, I’m going to take the GRE until I get a good score. Then I’ll apply to Ph.D. programs and cross my fingers until they turn purple. Or blue. Jesus, I’m not a doctor.
45. I also plan to work for Americorps and earn two education awards, which will knock $10,000 from my student debt.
46. My student debt might as well be a gazillion dollars.
47. I used to be bad with money.
48. While I’m far from perfect, these days I’m much, much better.
49. I spend most of my money on food and eating at restaurants.
50. My favorite place to drop bank is Suki Zuki, a Japanese restaurant in Water Mill.
51. I love, love, love sushi. If I could, I’d make sweet love to it all night long, then drive upstate the next day to ask its parents for permission to propose.
52. I love saying things like “upstate” and “the city” and “up the island.”
53. I’m guilty of raping the simile.
54. I eat spoonfuls of peanut butter and ice cream all the time.
55. I’m tempted to give some to my roommate’s pet snapping turtle, Henry, just to see what happens.
56. I like it when I pull into an empty driveway. Pete is awesome, but I always feel like I’m on the verge of burning his house down or doing something wrong. Like thinking about feeding ice cream to his pet turtle.
57. When Pete isn’t here, I like to have music or the TV on to curb loneliness.
58. I wish I could enjoy silence. I’ve never been able to and consider that to be a huge personal weakness.
59. I’m a bad sleeper. Without a whirring fan, I’m looking at a good two hours of tossing and turning before I can fall asleep.
60. My mother, father, and both of my sisters also need fans to fall asleep.
61. My parents divorced when I was two years old. I have no memory of their marriage, even though my mother insists that my first memory should be of my father sifting the seeds from a bag of pot.
62. My parents were childhood sweethearts. I hope to get to watch their story unfold like an old film once I’m dead. It would be even better to get to walk in both their shoes. I’ll certainly have the time.
63. My father remarried twice and now lives partially estranged from his third wife. His second wife died a dramatic exit. I disliked her immensely because she was a cruel person.
64. I’m closer to my father than my mother, despite his habit of practicing misogyny and insistence on casually labeling my sisters and I as bitches.
65. My mother doesn’t make a habit of calling us names, but my father is a lot more loving. Strange, these supersized combos.
66. I grew up with my mother and sister Courtney in a tiny condominium in Antioch, which is a town in Nashville. Kendel is my half sister – we share a father.
67. I took dance lessons at Cathy’s Dance Studio for three years before quitting because Mom couldn’t afford to let me try out for a spot in the competition troupe, which housed all the pretty girls who went to private schools.
68. Courtney played softball for four years before quitting. I always wished I’d played in high school. Instead, I joined various committees.
69. My mother wasn’t an encouraging parent. She was quite impatient and lacked a sense of humor. I don’t believe I’ve inherited these traits. Maybe a dash of impatience, but I’d never blow up.
70. Now that I’m older, I realize how difficult it must have been to be divorced with two small children at age 23.
71. My two biggest fears are snakes and rape. If snakes were capable of rape, I’d move to a high rise immediately.
72. I have body image issues.
73. I once worked for a corporate detective agency and used my company password to stalk Sarah Jessica Parker. I’d like to thank Lindsey and Joey for walking the length of Park Avenue and wiping my tears when reached the MetLife building and found it fruitless.
74. My hands bear the brunt of my nervous nature. I chew them, pick them, crack them, wring them, examine them, rub them….
75. I wish I could parlay that energy into a fierce writing habit.
76. I want to be a writer, not a wealthy author. This fact comforts me when I have trouble sitting in front of a blank Word document for hours at a time. Why should my dreams be easier to achieve than everyone else’s?
77. I didn’t know you could stick a used candleholder under hot running water and peel the old wax off, making it like new again.
78. I’m interested in the belief that most women possess an inherent knack for domestic tricks and schedules – such as when it’s time to change the sheets and what to do with smelly sponges – simply because they’re women.
79. I own at least 350 books. My favorite writers are J.D. Salinger, Margaret Atwood, and Jeanette Winterson.
80. I used to write intricate, bossy letters to Santa Claus. In one letter, I provided specific instructions on where to put each present.
81. One Easter, I darted into the living room to find a half-empty salad bowl wobbling on the floor as if someone had just dropped it. Way to go, Dad.
82. That may or may not have happened. Some of my memories are hazy and retain the quality of a B-grade movie.
83. Most of my traits are contradictory and work against me. For example, I have great hearing but tend to jump to conclusions. Damn and blast.
84. I’m attracted to men with freckles and cute feet.
85. I suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome and chronic anxiety. The two often join forces in order to annoy the shit out of everyone sitting at my lunch table.
86. I will never, ever, ever wear a necktie again.
87. There have been three best summers of my life. This summer marked the third.
88. My favorite pair of sweatpants is ready to bite the dust. I’ve had them since my sophomore year in college – they’re riddled with holes and the waistband no longer has the luxury of fabric. Still, I can’t let go.
89. I plan to buy a desk on eBay once I’ve finished this list. I will pay $30 or less.
90. My mother paid the cable company to block MTV when I was a teenager, long before televisions came equipped with parental ratings or control systems. She didn’t want us watching Beavis and Butthead.
91. My favorite music video is Michael Jackson’s “Smooth Criminal.” My second favorite is Jane’s Addiction’s “Been Caught Stealing.” I never watch music videos anymore, but they used to be all I ever watched.
92. I almost put those two song titles in italics, which proves I’ve been away from the stylebook for far too long.
93. I didn’t say anything about Kendel because I don’t know that much about her. This troubles me, but I have faith in the eventual closure of the age gap between us. She was one of the key players in the first best summer of my life.
94. I used to draw rough sketches of cartoon sitcoms on notebook paper. They were all based on my favorite Nintendo game, A Boy and His Blob. My father always remembers that one and my other favorite, The Legend of Zelda.
95. Even though I had dozens of perfectly normal toys, I used to play with those puffy stickers once they were covered in lint and didn’t stick anymore.
96. Adult Swim will always hold a place in my heart. Even though it wasn’t, I remember my life as practically perfect during those days.
97. I always stop my channel flipping to try and catch a glimpse of porn behind those squiggly green and black bars.
98. Craft stores comfort me.
99. I had bouts of ringworm and head lice when I was a kid. Should my children ever bring home one of those afflictions, I’ll probably faint.
100. Now that I'm done with this list, I can think of a lot more things I could've mentioned. I suppose that's the purpose of this exercise. Neat.