A letter to Martha Stewart
Dear Martha,
The success of the last fifteen minutes of my life have led me to believe that you, my dear, are a master saboteur. I recently sojourned to K-mart, where I purchased a two-pack of lovely cerulean cooking pots which bear your respected insignia. Why, knowing that I would immediately run home to cook Velveeta Shells n' Cheese at 1 a.m., would you ask your packaging designer to slap a paper sticker on the bottom of the big pot?
Martha, I nearly burned my house down. One of my new pots is scorched, ruined, forever stinky, and the other one is sulky and cooking what would've been a great last meal had I been able to drag my flaming body to the stove to take a taste before passing.
Please send me a new pot and $1,000,000 to cover the emotional damage.
Sincerely,
A.
The success of the last fifteen minutes of my life have led me to believe that you, my dear, are a master saboteur. I recently sojourned to K-mart, where I purchased a two-pack of lovely cerulean cooking pots which bear your respected insignia. Why, knowing that I would immediately run home to cook Velveeta Shells n' Cheese at 1 a.m., would you ask your packaging designer to slap a paper sticker on the bottom of the big pot?
Martha, I nearly burned my house down. One of my new pots is scorched, ruined, forever stinky, and the other one is sulky and cooking what would've been a great last meal had I been able to drag my flaming body to the stove to take a taste before passing.
Please send me a new pot and $1,000,000 to cover the emotional damage.
Sincerely,
A.
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